


Office pussy

by Terfle



Category: Holby City
Genre: Alternate Universe, Cat, Friendship, Gen, Innuendo, Nun Jokes, Office, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Pussy Jokes, Sausages
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-13
Updated: 2018-04-06
Packaged: 2019-03-30 15:49:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13954884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Terfle/pseuds/Terfle
Summary: Office AU. Someone's about to be pranked with a whole lot of pussy





	1. Chapter 1

Bernie laughed uncontrollably at the email Guy sent to poor Essie. He was hinting that a sight of her pussy would make his Christmas party complete. He thought it was private but Bernie was a mistress at hacking and this was a piece of cake. Essie hadn't answered yet.

Serena pretended to throw up in her coffee at the thought of Guy Self propositioning the accountant. They huddled over the email and wondered what she'd do. Trip him up on the way to the canteen hopefully. Essie was too nice. She needed to stand up to him.

'Well there's no reason why we can't give him what he wants. In a way.'

Bernie looked up in alarm. She knew what that wicked smile meant. Serena had trouble in mind.

'Essie does have a pussy that she can scan and send. Come on Cleo.'

The cat came readily.

Bernie had forgotten about the office cat. Essie had technically adopted the tabby but all of the office liked having her around. Serena picked up the placid feline and carefully dumped her on the scanner. Cleo stretched out and basked in the warmth enveloping her belly as Serena quickly operated the scanner.

'I don't think Guy had this kind of pussy in mind when he wanted to look at Essie's' Bernie pointed out with a grin.

'Well it's time he learned what the phrase  _be careful what you wish for_  really means.'

She held up a printout.

'Pussy print complete. Let's email it to him.'

They hooted with laughter over the fake email for the rest of the day. Cleo remained unconcerned until removed. Nobody was none the wiser.


	2. Chapter 2

Rumour was that Guy Self refused to go down on his girlfriends. Hardly the most tasteful topic first thing but they needed something to go with their morning coffee.

‘Selfish bastard’ commented Bernie, dunking a rich tea biscuit.

‘I hate men that do that’ complain Serena. ‘Dump them after the first shag, that’s what I say.’

They considered it revenge on behalf of all females everywhere. Serena had a cunning plan.

‘Tell you what we’ll do.’

‘What?’

‘We’ll print off a Jacqueline Secor, blow it up _this big_ and stick it on the wall’ Serena gestured to the one opposite Guy’s desk. About jumbo poster size.

‘Then he’ll have to sit and stare at pussy all day long. Maybe it’ll encourage him to get up close and personal with one in real life’ suggested Serena.

Bernie brayed that incorrigible laugh, the one Guy hated and one of the most glorious sounds in existence.

‘Let’s do it.’

The man in question did indeed have to spend a lot of time after that staring at a pussy on the wall. How it affected his sex life, nobody was quite sure but the ladies were satisfied it had done him some good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jacqueline Secor is an artist that produces vulva art


	3. Chapter 3

The canteen wasn't anything to rave about. Occasionally it ran to an international week but it was generally speaking, a bit pants.

They half-heartedly poked around their plates of cabbage, lumpy mash and some suspicious looking sausages.

'I'll start making sandwiches' Bernie vowed.

Serena's had the look of an ex-boyfriend. In vague appearance.

'I feel like a nun in New York' she commented.

Bernie turned round to look at her in surprise.

'A nun in New York?'

'Do you know the joke?'

'No.' Knowing Serena it was bound to be filthy.

'It's terrible.'

'Bring it on.'

'Two nuns went to New York. They bought hotdogs and when they unwrapped it, Mother Superior said to her friend 'which bit of the dog did you get?'

Once Bernie understood the joke, she laughed louder than anyone should do at a nun joke.

'Told you it was terrible.'

Bernie loved terrible jokes. They donated their lunch to the stray cats who everyone denied feeding and went to the pub.


End file.
